2018 was a hard year. A year of grinding endurance, struggling to bring something other than the worst of my burnt-out self to each day, and a year of struggling to find the balance between ending things right for my soul integrity and not making myself crazy. I did not want to drag anything I didn’t have to from the chaos of the end of such an intense chapter of my life, so on top of surviving I was trying to lay things to rest. The word that really characterizes 2018, the word I tentatively assigned to it last January and lived out with tears and anguish through 3rd term was Finish. I lived 2018 trying to finish all that I had to so that I could with clear heart and mind put down the burdens of the last four years, take a big breath, heal, and go back to battle again. Because I refuse to let that chapter finish me.
Looking back over 2018, there were some very good things. Things like:
* Meeting my personal knitting goal of 3 kilometers worth of finished knitting projects for Stash Dash, as well as achieving 9,268 total meters in finished projects over the year.
* Meeting my personal goal (because setting myself goals for not even imaginary internet points is dangerously compelling for me) of reading 80 books in 2018, and even surpassing it!
* Getting a name for my injury—tendinitis, and getting treatment that has largely cleared it up.
* Two sibling’s weddings! I’m so excited to welcome a new brother and sister into our family, and look forward to getting to know them better.
* Spending a week visiting family in Germany at Christmas time. It was so wonderful to catch up with people I hadn’t seen in seven years, and so fun to see a different, less ‘loud’ side of Christmas. I enjoyed many wonderful conversations, ate some delicious food, and reveled in the charm and general orderliness. I didn’t get many pictures, but the memories will last forever!
And, there were some very hard things about 2018. Such as:
* 25% of my 6th grade class failed the year, and overall this was my least prepared, least mature, and least motivated class ever. Almost every day felt like a losing battle, and teaching has never been so not fun.
* My tendinitis was a factor of almost every day, including two months spent in a walking boot. There were some very difficult to deal with reactions to my pain, and while there has been a lot of healing, I am still not back to 100%.
* Some of the reasons that I was leaving the school, became ever more painful and urgent as the year progressed. On top of everything else that was going on, I spent a lot of the year feeling crushed under the weight of responsibility, helplessness, and hurt.
* And, while leaving the school was a very, VERY good thing, there was a lot of loss in a lot of ways when I left. Possessions that are absolutely just that, but also things that I had for a reason, and am now working through replacing. I was established and independent, and for a time I’m neither again.
This year I'm choosing a word to live the year by, and I'm hoping that in 12 months I'll be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I did that. It was hard, but I chose to thrive where I was." So, here's to a year of putting down new roots, a year of choices, a year of rebuilding, and a year of healing. Here's to a a time to rebuild myself so I can pour out to others again. And here's to new adventures, and feeling like thriving is possible again. Bring it on 2019!
