Thrive

It’s early January again, and as always, I’m both thinking of what I want to happen in the year to come, and what has happened in the year past. The word for the year in 2017 was Hope, because that was the year when I made the decision to bring my time at the school in the bush to an end. The months I spent at home gave me hope that I could rebuild a future Stateside, and that life could look up. I got to spend time with friends, start making connections, and most importantly I think looking forward to the future again.

2018 was a hard year. A year of grinding endurance, struggling to bring something other than the worst of my burnt-out self to each day, and a year of struggling to find the balance between ending things right for my soul integrity and not making myself crazy. I did not want to drag anything I didn’t have to from the chaos of the end of such an intense chapter of my life, so on top of surviving I was trying to lay things to rest. The word that really characterizes 2018, the word I tentatively assigned to it last January and lived out with tears and anguish through 3rd term was Finish. I lived 2018 trying to finish all that I had to so that I could with clear heart and mind put down the burdens of the last four years, take a big breath, heal, and go back to battle again. Because I refuse to let that chapter finish me.

Looking back over 2018, there were some very good things. Things like:

* Meeting my personal knitting goal of 3 kilometers worth of finished knitting projects for Stash Dash, as well as achieving 9,268 total meters in finished projects over the year.

* Meeting my personal goal (because setting myself goals for not even imaginary internet points is dangerously compelling for me) of reading 80 books in 2018, and even surpassing it!

* Getting a name for my injury—tendinitis, and getting treatment that has largely cleared it up.

* Two sibling’s weddings! I’m so excited to welcome a new brother and sister into our family, and look forward to getting to know them better.

* Spending a week visiting family in Germany at Christmas time. It was so wonderful to catch up with people I hadn’t seen in seven years, and so fun to see a different, less ‘loud’ side of Christmas. I enjoyed many wonderful conversations, ate some delicious food, and reveled in the charm and general orderliness. I didn’t get many pictures, but the memories will last forever!

And, there were some very hard things about 2018. Such as:

* 25% of my 6th grade class failed the year, and overall this was my least prepared, least mature, and least motivated class ever. Almost every day felt like a losing battle, and teaching has never been so not fun.

* My tendinitis was a factor of almost every day, including two months spent in a walking boot. There were some very difficult to deal with reactions to my pain, and while there has been a lot of healing, I am still not back to 100%.

* Some of the reasons that I was leaving the school, became ever more painful and urgent as the year progressed. On top of everything else that was going on, I spent a lot of the year feeling crushed under the weight of responsibility, helplessness, and hurt.

* And, while leaving the school was a very, VERY good thing, there was a lot of loss in a lot of ways when I left. Possessions that are absolutely just that, but also things that I had for a reason, and am now working through replacing. I was established and independent, and for a time I’m neither again.

This year I'm choosing a word to live the year by, and I'm hoping that in 12 months I'll be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I did that. It was hard, but I chose to thrive where I was." So, here's to a year of putting down new roots, a year of choices, a year of rebuilding, and a year of healing. Here's to a a time to rebuild myself so I can pour out to others again. And here's to new adventures, and feeling like thriving is possible again. Bring it on 2019!